Confidence Pt 1 - Insecure vs Secure
Between the ages of 12-22, I had very little confidence and extremely low self-worth. It may have started earlier, but middle school is when things fell apart. I did my best to keep the outward appearance of the “smart-kid” reputation that I earned in elementary school. But on the inside, I was floundering.
I had no idea how to keep up with the new workload. I’d never learned to study! On top of that, I probably had (have?) some amount of ADD/ADHD that has never been diagnosed. So I spent grades 7-16 (middle school, high school, and the first 4 years of college) just trying to survive.
Make good enough grades so I can go to college and get a good degree so I can get a good job so I can then prove that I’m a smart kid.
That’s a very distilled version, but the basics of my anxiety and cause of low confidence. I knew that I wasn’t living up to this ideal version of myself. And the worst part was… I didn’t know HOW to live up to this. To make matters worse, I couldn’t ask for help because that would be admitting that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be.
Luckily, I was able to work my way to some confidence! I attribute the change to two key events:
Changing my major
Trying Mushrooms
A lot happened in between and around these events, but for the sake of this post I can’t exactly go through my entire life’s story.
The reason these two events stand out is they help mark the passage from childhood into adulthood. More accurately, they signify the moments where I took control of my power, no longer pursuing a future laid out for me by others.
I changed my major when I found myself backed into a corner. Pursuing Physical Therapy (my original degree path) was not working, so I needed something different. But since I’d already been in school for nearly 5 years, I also needed something that could be completed quickly.
It was this desperation — knowing if I didn’t find something that I would fail — that led me to finance. I knew I liked numbers so I considered math, but every option that included math would add another 4 years to my workload. Finance allowed me to work with numbers while also giving me practical skills toward something I knew I wanted in the future — flip houses.
My first semester in finance was a dream come true. I went from floundering and flunking some of my classes to getting near straight A’s. I finished my final 2 years with a GPA over 3.7, which includes two semesters of 18 units and 6 units during the summer.
I had finally recovered the ability to enjoy learning. Plus I was finally the person I was supposed to be!
Trying mushrooms had a similar revelatory effect, although it occurred over one evening rather than a couple of years. Well… Technically a couple of nights since I tried it more than once.
The first time was just an exploration of what the drug did. The second time led to the revelation. In short, it allowed me to go into a sort of therapy session with myself.
I was sitting with my friend outside and was staring up into the sky. The moon was clearly visible and the stars were just beginning to make an appearance as the sun fell beneath the horizon. I just sat and watched while letting my mind wander and take me where it wanted to go.
I began thinking of my future, specifically the future child I knew I would have one day. I started thinking about my child and all the wonderful things they would accomplish. And then it hit me…
My parents probably had similar hopes/dreams for me. So what happened? Not that I was a huge failure, but I clearly had a lot of potential that I wasn’t living up to. And up to that point in my life, I held onto grievances from childhood as the reasons for my current state.
I’ll skip the full details for now. Here’s the summary…
I truly felt like I moved from one level of consciousness to another. Sort of like how children move from one development stage to another, gradually leading to new perspectives and abilities. However, instead of happening over the course of many months/years, it happened all at once.
It was sort of like taking a squeegee to the brain and removing all the gunk that had built up over the years. I got a new set of eyes to see reality and it fully transformed my thoughts, overnight.
Don’t Mistake Confidence With Being an Asshole
While both experiences were important, they each played a different role in building my confidence.
Choosing my major was the first real step out of childhood and into adulthood. It may have taken until I was in my 20’s, but I finally took the step. Until then I’d been following the path laid out for me. It was a clear and well trodden path, yet I still felt lost.
I didn’t even make a big change. I was still going to college, and heading toward the same destination. I was just taking a path that was more enjoyable for me. But it wasn’t the change of scenery, so to speak, that made the differene. It was that I’d taken some control of my destiny. Some very real and very direct control.
However, this new found confidence came with an unintended attitude shift. I started to become a bit mean. Like, I was such hot shit or something. I started to feel like that proto-typical version of an Alpha Jock. Luckily I had (and still have) a great circle of friends that politely let me know when I was being a bit of a dick.
This is something I’ve noticed in others, as well. My best friend, for instance. I saw a similar pattern when he came into his own confidence. It wasn’t anything over the top. I just noticed jokes and attitude that weren’t there before. And similar to me, he calmed down the attitude as he further developed his confidence.
So I’ve come to believe this may be part of the development, especially in those who lacked confidence early on.
I think of it as the difference between Insecure and Secure Confidence.
It’s that middle/high school level of confidence vs the confidence of adulthood. The kind where you get laughs at the expense of others. You project outward confidence, but really are just as insecure as everyone else. Outside validation is still required for you to know you’re doing good.
But anybody who knows the tell will recognize that chest puffing as insecurity.
Mushrooms, on the other hand, helped polish off the confidence I’d received from taking my own path. My ego was stripped and I was able to just be. Just exist as one of life’s players. After coming down I was able to bring this feeling with me. It was like my ego’s pores had been cleansed and I was flowing better with life.
It has taken work over the years to keep that feeling. It is easy to let the gunk of life clog up the ego’s pores. There are times when I miss the feeling and want to give my brain a quick squeegee. But it’s up to me to do the work. I can’t rely on a substance to get me there.
Secure confidence is when you don’t need to be right in every situation. You know who you are and can easily take a joke. You don’t need outside validation. Better yet, you recognize which outside validation is worthy of your attention, and which is worth ignoring.
It isn’t easy. I believe every secure confident person still has moments of insecurity. But there is a recognition that my insecurity doesn’t need to be projected outward. It is for me to deal with, not others.
If I were to choose an example for each of these feelings, insecure confidence would be represented by Donald Trump. Secure confidence would be represented by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Or… As the Geto Boys so eloquently put it…
But real gangsta-ass n****s don't flex nuts
'Cause real gangsta-ass n****s know they got 'em