Mirror, Labeling, and the Practice of Tactical Empathy
A review of the book, "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss
Being right isn’t the key to a successful negotiation - having the right mindset is.
Last post I talked about the difficulty I have with holding others accountable, as well as handling emotional distress. So what better book to review than one written by a former hostage negotiator that deals with exactly those things? Ok, maybe not exactly what I’m working on, but certainly in the ballpark.
Besides, who better to listen to than someone who can keep their cool in one of the most emotionally distressing and instense situations?
So let’s get started. And as we see at the top, we gotta start with the right mindset…
“We’ve got your son, Voss, Give us one million dollars or he dies. I’m the kidnapper. What are you going to do?”
I experienced a flash of panic, but that was to be expected. It never changes: even after two decades of experience. Even in a role-playing situation.
Ya know… There is something oddly comforting in the words, “but that was to be expected.”
This comes from the opening section of the book where the author, Chris Voss, is ambushed by Robert Mnookin, director of the Harvard Negotiation Research Project. Mnookin invited Voss to his office for a chat when he surprised him with a kidnapping scenario.
The way Voss acknowledges the panic and simply let’s it be is truly remarkable. He follows this up with a simple question, “How am I supposed to do that?” To go along with the question, his tone is calm and non-judgemental. He calls it his late-night DJ voice.
Mnookin paused, had an expression of amused pity, and then followed up with, “So you’re okay with me killing your son, Mr. Voss?”
“I’m sorry, Robert, how do I know he’s even alive?” I said, using an apology and his first name, seeding more warmth into the interaction making it harder for him to bulldoze me. “I really am sorry, but how can I get you any money right now, much less one million dollars, if I don’t even know he’s alive?”
He proceeds to dominate the interaction and leaves Mnookin flustered and at a loss. FBI: 1, Harvard: 0. But how did he do it?
By employing calibrated questions: queries that the other side can respond to but that have no fixed answer. It buys you time. It gives your counterpart the illusion of control.
When most of us panic we become easily flustered. By starting with a deep breath and a simple question, we can reset the interaction and put ourselves on solid footing. In other words, we can enter a good mindset for confrontation, helping us achieve a win/win outcome.
The important takeaway is that we are all emotionally driven animals. We may be the only animal that negotiates, but… we are always an animal, always acting and reacting first and foremost from our deeply held but mostly invisible and inchoate fears, needs, perceptions, and desires.
Voss goes on to bring up the research of of Daniel Kahneman, Nobel Prize Winner & founder of Behavioral Economics. Kahneman’s research suggests two levels of thinking.
Level One is our auto-processing system. Info comes in, and our brain automatically triggers a response based on past experience. This is why we’ve developed biases that can be exploited.
Level Two is the rational brain, the one that thinks through new ideas and situations. What calibrated questions do, and other techniques mentioned below, is take advantage of our Level One brain to trigger an automatic response.
Speaking of other techniques…
Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make. It shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.
When individuals feel listened to: They tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. They also tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view.
This gives me some relief. I “know” my son feels listened to. My wife and I both are patient with him (her much more than me, admittedly) and let him explain his feelings when he is able. And when he’s not we deflect and distract to help him calm him down.
Emotions and emotional intelligence has to be central to effective negotiation, not things to be overcome.
We may not think it, but everytime our son has a meltdown we enter a negotiation. I often feel that emotions need to be overcome, so this statement helps me in particular. Emotions are central to the human experience.
Make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need, validating their emotions and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.
This goes doubly when the other person is distressed, whether that leads them to bullying or tantruming. While punishment for bad behavior may be necessary, step one is diffusing the situation in a relationship affirming way.
People tend to focus all their energies on what to say or do, but it is how we are (our general demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest thing to enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence.
This gets us back to what it means to have a good mindset. We have to project a certain energy and attitude or our negotiation will be dead in the water. We can’t calm a tantrum with tantruming of our own, after all. We can’t use pure logic either, for that matter. We have to acknowledge the feelings.
Oddly enough, this reminds me of Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. One of the basic lessons he teaches owners is to act like the alpha. Dogs are very perceptive of our energy. When our energy shifts (excited, calm, fearful, nervous) our dogs pick up on that shift and respond accordingly.
The first step in getting a dog to behave how you want is to project the energy that will bring the behavior forth. Same goes for a tantruming child, or even a bullying adult.
Once we’ve got our energy/mindset in place, we can then start the two big tactics that Voss highlights in the book.
MIRRORING
Mirroring is essentially imitation. It is a natural behavior in which we copy each other to comfort each other.
A mirror, in this case, is when you repeat the last three words (or critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. Every time you mirror someone, they will reword what they’ve said. They will never say it exactly the same way.
He goes on to explain that the tone of the mirror should be, ”Please, help me understand.” It should sound like a very gentle question. Rather than fumble around and try to explain it, why don’t I let the author give you some examples…
LABELING
Instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them.
Most of us are similar to a toddler who believes, “If I close my eyes, they can’t see me!” We close our eyes to the emotions/energy circulating an interaction, believing if we don’t acknowledge them they might go away. Or perhaps there is a feeling of not wanting to deal with the aftermath of bringing them into focus.
Either way, many of us are guilty of ignoring/denying emotions. It may feel counterintuitive, but as Voss teaches us, labeling can act like a super power…
Labeling negatives diffuses them; Labeling positive reinforces them.
As an emotion, anger is rarely productive. It releases stress hormones and neurochemicals that disrupt your ability to properly evaluate and respond to situations. Labeling makes the person acknowledge their feelings rather than continuing to act out.
In another part of the book Voss explains the power of the word, “No.” Most sales people are focused on getting “yes” answers when asking questions. But Voss explains that asking questions that allow our counterparts to say “no” helps provide them with a feeling of comfort. After all, when dealing with pushy sales people what word is more comforting than no?
In order to make progress in our interactions, sometimes the counterintuitive measure is what’s needed. But rather than go on-and-on trying my best to explain, let me once again provide an exampe of Voss and his team in action…
This is what I’ve been attempting the past couple weeks, and what I’ll continue to attempt throughout my life. In a world more focused on talking than listening, mirroring and labeling can be super powers.
I’ve said in the past that I’d rather be useful than right. Well… Perhaps I should shift that to the opening quote of this piece… Being right isn’t the key. Having the right mindset is.
Creative Update
I mentioned a couple posts back that since I’m once again unemployed.. er… ahem… self-employed… I am starting up my learning/creative pursuits. One of those pursuits is to open my first business that is not related to real estate. Another is to learn to make 2D games in Unity. (Might expand to 3D later, but starting here for now.
It has been a slow start getting back into these things. But I’ve made some good progress and got myself some momentum. Here’s what I’m working on and current goals…
I’ve officially got an etsy shop for a print on demand t-shirt business. It’s got only a single listing, but that is partially because etsy suspended my store the first day it was open. I have no idea why, but I’ve seen posts about AI flagging stores and owners having to wait weeks for responses. So, that is what appears to have happened.
But I’m back open and ready to come up with some more designs. First though I need to spend time optimizing my store, which means more tutorials and a bit of tinkering.
I’ve also started a video tutorial series on building a 2D game in Unity. I signed up for a free 2-month trial of skillshare and having been doing pretty well. I’ve finished 28 videos, but still have another 96 to go! Despite being only ~20% through the tutorial, I’ve already made good progress. I’ve got a little demon that has 4 levels to interact with. Nothing much to do yet besides walking around, but it’s a start!
My initial goal was to finish this series by the end of the month, but that would mean 5 videos a day. (On average) Not sure I can keep that pace. So let’s say June 15th I’ll be done and ready to upload what I’ve worked on.
For the etsy store, I’ll have an optimised page and 5 more products by May 31st. Let’s do this!