What's Wrong With Being Right?
A couple of weeks ago I decided to look at the Tim Ferris Show. I was super into this podcast when I first became an investor/entrepreneur, but over time moved on to other podcasts. Now and again, I like to revisit old favorites since the time that has passed makes them feel fresh.
On this particular occasion, the latest episode featured Diana Chapman of the Conscious Leadership Group. Before I was even halfway into the episode she sold me on her book.
The topic that sold me was the Karpman Drama Triangle. Don’t get me wrong, I found pretty much everything she said to be enlightening. But something about the drama triangle made me feel like a door was opened to a room that I’d previously only seen by looking through a dirty window.
So what did I learn that was so revelatory? First, let me start you with a quote from the book.
Being wrong equates to being dead. And the ego firmly believes that if it is not “right,” it will not survive.
This is especially true as the level of perceived threat rises. The higher the stakes — for example, we could lose our job or the love of a significant other or control of something we deem important — the more the ego will try to survive by being right.
This is the lesson I’ve been trying to internalize ever since starting this project. I didn’t always know this was the lesson. But over the last year, it has become more and more clear that needing to be right is a major weakness.
I wrote on this back in August. One of my favorite quotes from that piece comes from The Three-Body Problem trilogy, “Weakness and ignorance are not barriers to survival, but arrogance is.” And what is more arrogant than needing to be right?
But is being right really that dangerous? I mean, there are times when someone is right and someone is wrong and the person who is right should be able to stand up for themselves… Right?
The issue isn’t “being right” but rather “wanting to be right” and “fighting to be right” and “proving we are right.”
They go on to explain that when we tie ego/emotions to an issue, we create a “need to defend, justify, and explain why we are right about this issue.”
Our need to be right is tied to insecurity. Nobody feels the need to fight over 2+2=4 because it just is. I’m not emotionally tied to arguing with somebody who claims that 2+2=5. But when the argument moves to politics (or some other divisive subject) then I’m ready to jump in and defend my position.
But what is so wrong with that? Shouldn’t we defend the issues and ideas that we feel are correct?
Yes and no. I think the distinction is around the word defend.
When we’re in a defensive posture, we lose our ability to listen. The further down this road we go, the more it becomes a debate/argument and the less we listen. It becomes a game rather than a way to learn.
The authors point out two epiphanies that people tend to have when working through their exercises:
If they are honest with themselves, they see that they aren’t nearly as certain about the “rightness” of their viewpoint as they act.
They realize that wanting to be right, being seen as being right, and being validated and appreciated for being right are what they really want.
The underlying motivation to defend our beliefs comes from the desire for validation. Again, this is why our insecurity drives our need to be right. Nothing feels better to an insecure/anxious individual than validation from the group.
The opposite (admitting fault, seeing where we’re wrong, etc) only amplifies our anxiety. But it is exactly this zone that we need to allow ourselves to exist. Doing so opens us up to creativity and learning.
The “To Me” Way of Being
If I am in the To Me consciousness, I see myself “at the effect of,” meaning that the cause of my condition is outside me. It is happening To Me.
From our perspective, 95% of all leaders (and people) spend 98% of their time in that state.
The authors go on to say that people in this state believe that external realities are responsible for their unhappiness.
Viktor Frankl might have a thing or two to say to the above individuals. How much worse can one’s external reality be than as a prisoner at a Nazi concentration camp? Yet he managed to find, within himself, that little bit of freedom the Nazis couldn’t take away — the power to choose “how it would affect him.”
The authors call the “To Me” way of being victim consciousness. Personal agency is given up, and instead, we seek to blame others (and sometimes ourselves) for our present circumstances.
The way to get out of this consciousness, according to the authors, is through radical responsibility: “choosing to take responsibility for whatever is occurring in our lives, letting go of blaming anyone (ourselves, others, circumstances, or conditions), and opening through curiosity to learn all that life has to teach us.”
This doesn’t mean there are no victims in life. It doesn’t mean that if good people just take personal responsibility, then bad things will never happen to them. It is about taking control of what is within our power and putting all our effort there. I have very little control of the outside world. But my inner power is strong, and only growing stronger. As it grows, so does my influence on my external reality.
Toxic Fear
Blame, shame, and guilt all come from the same source: TOXIC FEAR. When things don’t go the way we think they should, the natural human reaction is to become anxious.
Once fear kicks in, a common defense mechanism is to blame someone, something, or ourselves so we can keep our sense of identity intact.
This leads, finally, to the drama triangle. It is how most of us go through life, playing the part that best seems to suit us in our present circumstances. The three points of the triangle are:
Victims — “At the effect of.” Typically complain, either overtly or covertly that “this isn’t fair.” Underneath all their words and actions is a tone of whining
Villains — Find fault and place blame. Sometimes they point to a person, themselves, or at the meta-cause, but they deal with fear by placing blame.
Heroes — They hate conflict, pain, and tension and seek temporary relief without dealing with the issue. They habitually take more than their share of responsibility.
I definitely recognize some of these roles, but the hero is what I most recognize. I don’t like conflict, so I tend to diffuse situations and just let others place all the blame on me. It just seems easier.
But that sort of attitude does nobody any good. The person deflecting blame learns nothing, I learn nothing, and victims in the situation learn nothing. I’ve just helped push the problem down the road for someone else to deal with. Either that or I’ve contributed to a relationship dynamic that will not change until radical responsibility is enforced.
Plus, toxic fear “leaves a negative residue: resentment and bitterness, along with low learning states, demotivation, and eventual demoralization.”
When speaking about an experience at a group conference, the authors relate the following…
They recognized that Sarah’s defensiveness was consuming huge amounts of group energy and was no longer supporting their learning and growth.
So… Defensiveness not only hinders our own growth, but also the growth of those around us.
After going through this pandemic, I can tell you one thing for certain: I have zero desire to be a source of toxicity to those around me, in any way, shape, or form.
Radical Responsibility
The key phrase is “taking full responsibility” — as opposed to “placing blame.”
When we place blame, we locate the cause and control of our lives outside of ourselves. When we take responsibility, we locate the cause and control of our lives inside ourselves.
This is what taking radical responsibility calls us to do — look within ourselves and control what we can. But even more than that, it calls us to support those around us to meet the same standard.
This doesn’t mean we preach to others or scold them. We use the word support for a reason.
When we move away from blaming , criticizing, and living in victim-villain-hero mode, we naturally invite others to do the same — without even saying a word.
One of my goals in life is to learn as much as possible. No major motivation is behind it other than the enjoyment of learning new things. If nothing else, it gives me a view of reality I didn’t have before.
Another goal is to share what I’ve learned and to help others in their own journey of learning. For it is only by going together that any of us can succeed.
To be most effective at reaching my goal, I must keep myself in a high state of learning as much as possible. This requires shedding myself of gossip and blame and other symptoms of toxic fear. I cannot continue to uphold my role in the drama triangle. I must discard the need to be right. Instead…
I commit to taking full responsibility for my life, and supporting others as they work to do the same.